In my previous blog post, I wrote about who I am and what an open relationship to me sounded and felt like. This post continues that story. I will begin with how I met Toni, and why I wanted to be in the relationship though it was painful at first. Then I will fill you in how starting an Open Relationship happened for us two.
Dating on Tinder
I broke up from a long term boyfriend in the beginning of 2014, a relationship that was monogamous, lasted over 10 years and we lived together. He was my first boyfriend and we had a baby boy as well. From that point on I started to rebuild my life as single mom, and only a year after it I started dating again. Naturally the single life was exciting and scary at the same time, as my whole youth I had spent in one relationship and starting a family. Tinder-era was colorful and interesting. I had an LGBT-relationship and a few shorter flings but they never turned out to be anything. I had forgotten how hard and consuming finding a great companion actually was. There were date-marathons, weird guys and a few outright crazy ones. By the end of the year I was so exhausted, frustrated and bored in dating and meeting people. I didn’t feel like putting any effort in to my messages or chats. Until my very last match.
In November, I matched with Toni on Tinder. In pictures he was very proper, dressed very smart and seemed quite sophisticated. Not a man for my taste, too sophisticated. I didn’t bother messaging too much as I was already quite fed up with Tinder and didn’t feel like going on a date either. Toni definitely noticed my lack on enthusiasm, and just left his phone number for me.
Send me a message to this number if you want to talk or meet.
I saved the number, and deleted Tinder. About 2-3 weeks after that he came to my mind on one very boring evening.
So I sent him a WhatsApp message and asked how he was doing. It took him a while to remember who I was or where we had met. So I guess chatting with me really wasn’t very memorable. After talking a while I was the one who suggested a meeting. I thought that let’s try dating one more time. And I wanted to know what this sophisticated boy was really about. No goals, no expectations, and very doubtful that it would turn out anything good. Too sophisticated -> not my style. Too fancy -> not my style. But a cup of coffee never has killed anyone so let’s try.
In the coffee shop, sat a man dressed in fancy clothers and a cup of coffee in his hand. I came in barely at the right time, in a wool sweater and my pigtail hair on both sides. Delicate make-up and ripped jeans.
I decided to show a better side of me, keeping up a good conversation and positive atmosphere. We talked about everything, even half of which I can’t remember anymore. All that stuck to my mind was that he is highly educated, in a well-paid job and in the best physical shape of his life. His was extremely confident and very outspoken, almost arrogant. I am more down to earth, full of empathy towards other people and mankind. A striking difference between two of us.
Despite of that the date went well and it was time to head home. I thought to my self that it would be the first and last time I see him as we are too different.
But as soon as same evening Toni sent me a message and asked for a second meeting. Truthfully I was quite surprised but I wanted to try and see him again. Our next date was at my place. I made exotic food for him and we talked for a long time. At first I thought the night would end quiet as Toni made his way towards the front door at the end of the night. But at the door all the barriers were broken, and things took an unexpected turn.
Clothes came right off to the floor and lust went thought the roof. We barely made it to the bed. Session lasted for a long couple of hours, and despite initial nervousness, sex was Godlike! From that point on I was hooked, and passion was equally high every time we met.
What do these sings mean?
After a few meetings he slowly started to open up about his life and lifestyle. First sign was when he couldn’t remember my address and he kept asking for it though he had been at my place 4-5 times already the same month. He replied, that he couldn’t possibly remember all the addresses for all the women he goes to meet. I thought it was a joke and let it slide. I thought I was the only one at that moment, as our messages we so sugary and we called each other babe and honey. Hearts in every messages. I was just living my own fairy tale.
Second sign was when I slept over at his place after three months of dating, and found tens of different kinds of condoms in his night desks drawer (we used condoms at the start of our relationship as well, but gave it up when we could prove each other we were “clean”). I asked straight on point, what are these, and he calmly and in complete control said he needs to have them as other women also come here (safe sex practice was the only positive in this reply).
The answer was like a slap in my face.
I gathered my bones off the ground and we started to have a serious conversation about our situation. I asked, what is our relationship like and have I unilaterally believed that we have an affair. The answer was yes. He is seeing multiple other women like any other day, and has been doing so for a long time. He considers it normal as we haven’t really talked about our “relationship” and thinks that we are just dating. I am just one of his many women.
That discussion opened my eyes and sent me right back to planet earth from my fairy tale land. However, I am stayed patient and I am naturally capable of hiding my emotions in difficult situations. I thought about it from his perspective and understood that I had never really made any effort to define our relationship status. H was correct and he has a right to act that way. So I took a few steps back and re-designed our relationship altogether. I was of course very infatuated with him and the reality check did hurt a little, but I stayed calm and started processing these things by myself. I kept seeing Toni but with a different set of expectations. I never planned for anything more serious between us than casual hanging out and mind blowing sex. I didn’t bother meeting with other guys as I was still recovering from this crush.
We dated for 6 months, after which he decided to take me to a small weekend road trip. During the trip I went through a lot of feelings and secretly hoped that we were already a a couple. But he still introduced me as his “friend” to other people. As our trip started to end I said to him that I want to be in a relationship already. I very much had a crush on him and couldn’t let go. Granted we were different in many ways, but Toni was had a lot of good in him as well and he took a good care of me.
He rested with that thought overnight and asked me the following day, if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I was pleased with the question and gladly replied Yes.
After returning home, he sent me a message the following day that “Babe, we need to talk about our relationship”. Fear took over me again and I thought he already started to have regrets about the two of us.
Starting an Open Relationship
We met the following day and he started to tell me more about his lifestyle and swingers-parties. He said, that he has lived in open relationships for years and couldn’t see him in a monogamous relationship anymore. So if I wanted to be with him, I needed to understand him and let him live the life he had chosen. My feelings were all over the place, but I tried to stay open minded and decided to get to know the lifestyle more deeply. “But can we start slowly, give me some time to adjust”, I asked him. And so we decided that starting an open relationship for us meant that I would join him in next swingers-parties to meet his friends and feel out the amosphere.
During that time I set out those rules and went through a wave of emotions I discussed in my previous post. Toni was patient in sense that he agreed to my rules, though it would have surely been easier for him to pick a pretty babe from within that lifestyle who had similar mindset. But he chose me and wanted to try a relationship with me. Though this is not the only reason I wanted to fight for our relationship and hold on, it was in important gesture from him. You will come to read a lot about our relationship and I think you will understand then teh very latest, why I chose to try our open relationship with it is not what I had originally hoped for.
How was our first every party? How did I do and won conquered my stress and nervousness in that party? How did the first ever swinging experience feel, the group sex, and what happened when I first saw Toni having sex with another woman right before my eyes. And of course, what were my first feelings of jealousy like, that almost lead to our break up.
this and more in my next posts. Stay with me.