This topic is most delicate and hardest that I have written this far or even spoken to anyone. What happened caused me a lot of anxiety and jealousy. Dealing with it took almost a year. Even planning this post and writing it now causes me to get a little nervous and makes my hand shiver a bit. I guess the reason why I feel a little anxious even now has to do with the fact that I have to deal with these memories and process these events again.
Going to swingers parties was going along nicely and I even enthusiastically waited for the next party. In our previous parties I’ve seen Toni with other women and felt relieved that I could happily watch it without feelings of jealousy I was afraid I’d have. I thought I’d come a long way in being in an open relationship, and I was proud for discovering new aspects of myself and my boundaries. Excited, I head to next party.
Jealousy strikes fast
It’s again Saturday eve, party night. As usual I got off from work a little later and came back as soon as possible, about an hour after the doors had closed. Toni went to prep the site beforehand just like before. I came to the party after a hard 12 hour shift, naturally tired. I thought that the relaxing atmosphere and good company could easy my tensions a bit and made me forget the hard day at work. Downstairs one of the organizers came to open the doors for me, not Toni like before. I didn’t pay much attention to it, maybe he was busy or in a toilet.
I walked upstairs and went straight into the dressing room. Still no sight of Toni. Then I went to a living room where there was a lot of crowd. Toni was also there, sitting on his lap was a good looking woman dressed in sexy lingerie. They caressed and focused on each other like there were no one else in the whole room. Toni was looking at her passionately and vividly, seemingly head over heels. She reciprocally enjoyed her company and how he pet her body with both hands. I stood there a while stunned and tired. Toni noticed me and came to meet me with that woman. He introduced her to me. That babe still in her arms they looked like new lovers. I tried to put on a smile and shake hands with her though emotions rambled inside me and heart was pounding out of my chest. All I could think of was to excuse myself and go get some water and calm down. While filling my glass I thought how for the first time I felt like an outsider and not invited to these parties. At the same time I felt more tired than before, and even “betrayed”. I can’t fully describe my feelings when I saw that woman with Toni. My instinct told me this wasn’t “normal” party stuff. This was something else and much more.
Toni noticed that I was different than usual. He came to ask what was wrong and is everything alright. I’m the type of a person that’s quite easy to read. I could hide my sorrow and jealousy though I tried to explain Toni that everything was good and I was just tired (by the way, Toni made a video about jealousy a while back). Toni got frustrated and pulled back as I couldn’t tell him what was bothering me. Of course that made me even more upset, angry and anxious as Toni didn’t pay attention to my condition an just returned to that other woman. This hadn’t happened before. Before Toni was very considerate and paid attention to my feelings. Toni didn’t give similar looks and feelings to other women in the party (at least not before I came to the scene), or even towards me. That’s why I haven’t felt jealous in these parties before. But in these parties everything was different, and I hadn’t seen this woman in any of the previous parties.
Toni distanced himself to another room and acted cold on me. Meanwhile, another man came to talk to me. A truly nice guy, that I had promised to hang out with at a previous party because back then we ran out of time. But this was definitely the wrong time and place. I couldn’t smile nor talk to him. I excused myself politely and walked to Toni. I tried to gather myself and act normal. I tried to sit on his lap and caress and kiss him. No, he didn’t react to me in any way. He was cold and out of words. He was angry to me about something?
I tried to ask about it and got shocked once again.
” Toni thinks I was rude and unpolite towards that other woman. I didn’t bother talking to her after shaking hands and he found it extremely rude. He thinks I should go and apologize to that other woman.”
I debated with Toni for a while how I couldn’t understand this and how I felt like I had done thing wrong nor needed to apologize to anyone. Toni completely pulled back and left me standing there by myself. I felt miserable. I just wanted to cry and go home. I felt anger towards that other woman. I felt how she caused me anxiety and made me feel unhappy. Toni had never acted towards me like this before.
I gathered myself again and tried acting normal to everyone. I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone and I didn’t dare to leave during the party and leave everyone wondering what was wrong with me. I tried to keep up both of our reputation and also respect Toni by not fighting publicly. The whole night was about surviving. I tried to talk to Toni every now and then, even outright pushed myself on him. But without any result. Toni’s answer was that he didn’t feel like having sex at all. However, 15 minutes after that I found him fucking another woman.
I felt worthless, hurt and stupid. I couldn’t help my tears coming out so I went to bathroom to cry quietly while Toni was focusing on another woman. It must sound dramatic, and it really was. (Looking back at it I feel I sound like a teenage girl in a low budget drama series :D)
I managed to pull though without making a scene for everyone. Very few noticed our drama (and good thing so). We left home together and Toni was still cold towards me. Ride back home was quiet, all the way to bed. After spinning in the bed for a while I decided to get up and get dressed. I packed my stuff in bags and walked to the bed. Toni looked at me calmly and asked my intentions. I told him, that if he keeps moping staying cold to me that I would leave home. I started crying heavily, letting my emotions loudly out and cussing. I told him that I didn’t like how he treated me at the party, and how him being with that other woman bothered me. I told my instincts and views, demanding him to clear things out. Toni’s face was frustrated and fed up. My rage and crying made no impact. He just requested that I’d not swear and shout at him. Other than that he didn’t take any view, except continued being cold to me as I deserved it for being rude to that other woman. Toni asked me to calm down and get back to bed. He said that we’ll talk about it again in the morning. I felt he downplayed my feelings and made me feel like I wasn’t there. I understand, it was very late and both us were tired. I felt stupid for crying and raging all by myself without getting any attention or empathy from my man. Finally I realized that this conversation wouldn’t lead anywhere and he was too tired to care. I obeyed nicely, changing back to my night gown and went to bed crying by myself.
Morning came and I had barely slept a second. I had hopes, however, that in the morning we would talk it out and Toni wouldn’t be so cold to me. This wasn’t the case. He continued his silence. When I asked why aren’t we discussing the answer was the I hadn’t started talking either. That’s when I blacked out. I cried, packed my things, took the apartment key out of my key chain and left it on the table. Toni just kept making his morning coffee without saying a word.
“I gathered my stuff and walked out without saying a word.”
I cried like a maniac while driving. My thoughts kept circling and I was very disappointed that Toni didn’t care for me even when I walked out the door. Was he so unemotional? Didn’t he care about me one tiny bit? Was it over? I heart was hurting, I couldn’t breathe. It hurt so bad. Almost two year relationship ended right there? Was he so into that other woman that he was willing to give up on me so easily?
I called one of my closest friends as I drove. She is the only one who knows everything about me and my relationship with Toni. The only one I trusted. I called her and mumbled out the situation while I cried. She calmed me down and talked sense in to me when I couldn’t do it myself. She asked me to go back to Toni’s and speak my mind. How ever it would turn out, it would be better to settle things and decide conclusions by myself. If Toni agreed that we should separate, then at least could part ways peacefully and not be left wondering about things the rest of our lives. After the phone call I made a u-turn back to Toni’s, and started thinking what I’d say.
At his place I tried to calm down, and requested that we’d talk it out. Toni was like he always is, neutral and calm. He listened to me and what I had to say. I told my feelings from the party night. I told him how I felt he had behaved and how I was hurt. I told him I was jealous of that woman I couldn’t get over it. I thought how I would’ve wanted to talk it out with him and what I had tried to do to start the conversation.
“Toni listened quietly and wiped tears from his eyes.”
Maybe that man wasn’t as hollow as I thought. He became very sad about the fact that I thought he was a bad and cold person. He admitted he was cold towards me and apologized for it. He still believe he had done nothing wrong. All that I felt at the party was over reacting. He asked me to get over that woman and my feelings of jealousy. He couldn’t help more as the problems are in my head and not in him. I felt worthless again. However his honest tears made me stop being angry and forgive things to him. We agreed that I’d try to forget what had happened and move on. He promised to look after me closely at parties and make an effort to be less cold towards me. I tried to take his words into consideration and be unselfish though I was hurt. At that point I was very frustrated and tired but wanted to give us a chance. I wanted to see how Toni would change his behavior from now on, and if the fight had any impact on him. I took the apartment key back. So everything should be fine, right? Toni thought so. What had happened however caused me a mental trauma and future parties started to scare me and made me feel anxious again.
I tried to forget the whole thing and continue living my daily life with Toni. But it wasn’t that simple. Especially after I fought private messages between Toni and this woman after the party. How did I find those texts and what was in them? How one event of jealousy caused almost a year long argument between us and continuous heavy conversations. More about that in my next post.