It’s May 2019, a month after last emotionally heavy swingers party and fighting. Next party invitation came to the mailbox and we had only 2 weeks to get ready for it. Everyday life had been slightly uneasy for the past month. We tried to forget our arguments and continue our lives. For Toni it worked just fine. But for me it was more difficult. I noticed from myself that I wasn’t as cheery and happy as before. The situation haunted me and it felt like we had not yet cleared things out fully. I didn’t want to bring our arguments up anymore and so I just tried to get over this like Toni had suggested. He was eagerly waiting for the upcoming party but I wasn’t. I even refused to go to the party but Toni didn’t think it was a solution. He thought that not attending would only make things worse and it’s best if I get the good feelings back that I already had had in the previous parties. But seeing that woman again felt difficult for me. It made me even nauseated. This woman is pretty, very popular and very pleasant according to many. I’m sure she is, but I just can’t be friends with her. Our first meeting didn’t go well. Thinking about her and how Toni treated me made me feel sick.
Meeting again and facing fears
Party night was here once again and this time I didn’t need to work. Actually I was supposed to have a night shift but I gave it up. I didn’t want to let Toni go to that party again by himself and just come later myself. I couldn’t trust that what happened last time wouldn’t happen again. I prepared mentally for this a lot. My war plan is to not let Toni anywhere near this woman. I won’t show this to him but I’m going to stay next to him constantly and as much has possible. I thought my plan would go smooth and unnoticed. In the previous parties I’ve had nice encounters, especially because people intervene you if if you’re in the middle of something and you don’t invite them to join. Because of this I’ve not had big feelings of jealousy in previous parties either.
I left the party alongside him. He seemed a bit uncomfortable and I was nervous myself as well. The whole drive I was wishing the woman wouldn’t be there. It would be the best solution for me, but certainly not for him. My worst fear however came true. She arrived, sexy as always. I immediately saw how Toni’s eyes light up when he saw her arrive. Once their eyes met I felt nonexistent. I felt anxiety creep up to my chest. I wanted out of the situation but I didn’t want to leave them by themselves. Very conflicting feelings.
I tried to keep Toni busy and next to me. I go spend time with any guys but persistently stayed next to him. She walked around greeting people, at times glancing towards my man.
“I thought nothing could happen if I go get us both some coffee and come back. It would take less than two minutes.”
I grapped the cups of coffee and turned back towards Toni. The sight, seeing her sit on my spot nearly on his lap! His calm face from earlier the party turned into a wide smile and laughter as he was with her. Armes caressed each other and they were ready to hit the bed.
I froze on the spot with coffee in my hand. I had no idea what should I do. It just felt like, “is this it?”. Why am I here? I walked slowly to another couch to sit and breathe. Toni didn’t notice me at all. I was about to cry as another couple approached me. I don’t remember much of what they said. My head was empty and feelings going all over the place. All I remember is them asking me to join them for a threesome. Accepting would at least mean I wouldn’t have to watch what Toni was doing. I know what will happen between them if I’ll go with someone else but I also know I can’t stop them anymore even though I tried my best. That woman forced herself between us, or did she? Toni’s inviting glance pulled her him instantly. I had no plan B. So I accepted the invitation from that couple and went to play with tehm, if nothing else then to at least forget this anxiety for a brief moment.
My performance wasn’t top notch, I’m sure you guess why. The worst part was when Toni and that woman joined the bed right next to ours! I heard their voices and could recognize them from a mile away! Why next to us? Is this some Toni’s weird trauma treatment for me? I waited until they had finished their business. I sat on a couch with another man. Toni walked to me with that woman. That woman immediately joined the companion I was with and started flirting with him. I she intentionally bullying me? She successfully pulled my man away and now she’s trying to steal this new acquaintance from me right before my eyes? My instincts about this woman are exceptionally strong. I don’t like her and how she behaves. I notice how she intentionally is doing this stuff.
Toni again noticed from my gestures that I was stale. All I said was I wanted to go home already though the night was young. Toni didn’t like the idea but agreed. After all he had already climaxed exceptionally fast with this other woman so he has no more need to have sex with anyone else! It felt obvious and he let me even know it! Aren’t all these events difficult enough already without this information?
Relationship arguments continue after the party
We got into an argument again while driving back home. I told him how I felt anxious about all that happened and how she acted impolitely towards me. Toni felt I was over reacting and that woman had done nothing wrong. She was just social and easy to get along with. Apparently there’s nothing wrong with that, and I should even learn from her and be more open and social. She is able to flirt and seduce, and Toni likes it. Our argument kept on going. I was ready to give up again. If they’re so in love then let them have each other and I’ll go separate ways. I couldn’t give up, however, because of a good reason: we had booked a trip booked together for July, that’s two months away. It’s our dream journey, and I didn’t want to give up on it nor did he. Toni said that we should just try make it to that journey and we’ll see what happens after that. That we should put our arguments aside for moment and just focus on each other.
That can be done, as there were no parties coming up before it and I was relieved about that information. In June we went to a summer cottage just the two of us, and during that trip the woman started bothering me again. Toni took a lot of pictures from our tip and posted them on social media. She kept liking many of Toni’s pictures. I didn’t like him, and once I let Toni know that is it bothered him. Regardless, the summer cottage trip went fine. While driving back we stopped at a gas station and Toni went to bathroom. I kept browsing the navigator map on his phone and accidentally pressed app history button bottom right. What popped up was a conversation between Toni and that woman. I couldn’t think anything sensible at that moment so I opened the conversation. I tried to read everything through before he would get back to the car. Conversation was long and flirtatious. She had been messaging him since the beginning of the year. Toni had told that woman that our relationship doesn’t work because of all the rules I’ve set for him (what Toni had said to me was different, that he thought our rules were fine and that he accepted them). Toni wrote how he would like to to see her in the next swingers party so they could pick up from where they left. Plenty of kisses and hearts. The sight crushed me, because we had agreed that we shouldn’t be involved with other people or have affairs outside the swingers parties.
I had to bury my feelings as I didn’t want to reveal that I had been lurking at his private conversations. I played cool and we continued our ride back home. At home I cried daily because of my anxiety. I couldn’t work and I hard to go on a sick leave because of it. They sent me home from work multiple days in a row, and finally to talk to a psychologist. I got sick leave for a month because of anxiety and depression, plus the doctor ordered me some pills to relieve the anxiety. I couldn’t tell this to Toni. When I was with him I acted normally and faked leaving to work while in reality I was going to the therapist. I should’ve realized to let him go then and there but I couldn’t. I loved that man. I kept on hoping that the journey would do us good and heal our wounds.
Travelling opens eyes, and open relationship starts
The trip was great for our relationship. It got my mind off our fights and we focused on each other. I got time to think about our relationship and started loving myself more. The trip brought us closer. then I came up with an antidote for that woman. I made Toni post Facebook posts with lots of pictures together and how happy we were. At the start she kept on liking the pictures, all except the once we were in together. Toni still didn’t notice anything. We women can see though this stuff but men can’t! At the end she stopped liking our photos and I won! 😀
The journey made me think about a lot of stuff and made me emotionally stronger. Despite that I still had to see Toni with that other woman time to time. Toni didn’t want to give up on her though I threatened him, even with us splitting up. Toni admitted that he has exceptional chemistry with that woman. He things chemistry like is quite rare in swingers parties and is worth treasuring. I tried asking multiple times if he would be better off with that woman. The answer was he doesn’t know. He just says that he chooses to be with me still. I still have to face that woman in parties and look at their act. But I’ve learned to live with the fact that it hurts inside. I said to Toni earlier this year, that my intuition says they’re messaging and I don’t like it. I proposed a true open relationship for him without excessive rules, but on one condition. He would be now free to date people outside the parties if he can give up that one woman. My only condition. We discussed it at length and it was seemingly difficult for Toni.
Mentally I was prepared for anything once that woman wasn’t in the picture anymore. I asked him to be flexible about this one condition so that our relationship could work. He agreed. A year long torment had come to a conclusion. Toni promised to be more attentive and caring towards me. He promised to keep distance to that woman so we could live in peace. And I kept my part. I gave up our rules and opened our relationship to others.
I registed us on a swingers site to prove my dedication to our open relationship. We started afresh and began seeing other people I don’t know if he is messaging that other woman at all anymore. I have not been lurking as his private messages anymore and I’m trying to regain his trust.
And here we are, in the present. During the the COVID-19 pandemic we’ve been doing fairly well. We haven’t had heavy fights about that woman. Because of the pandemic there hasn’t been parties for a little while now either. Reminiscing the past still hurts. That said, I’m much happier with Toni nowadays. Toni’s promise has given me peace of mind. We’ve been dating other people together and had sex with other people. I still enjoy seeing Toni with other women. The only thing I couldn’t accept was this one woman and I think there’s clear reasons for it. I hope once swinger’s parties continue I don’t have to suffer or feel anxious about Toni and that woman anymore. It remains to be seen.
In my next post we get to a new topic: our first dates with other people and all it’s details!
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